Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
