I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
