My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When did angry sex become our thing?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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