I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
