A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
