I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize