I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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