i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
