is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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