sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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