I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
