We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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