I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
