just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
