Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
