I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
