new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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