Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just high enough for therapy.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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