I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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