oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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