she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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