i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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