woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
