I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Everything about him screamed your future.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
