I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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