Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I need water and some morals
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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