Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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