Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
