The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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