apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
