Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
