I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
