it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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