I cockslap morals
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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