I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
