U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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