I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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