I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
