I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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