I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
