oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize