Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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