also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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