thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize