Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
