There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
BRING THE BAGELS
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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