I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
you made out with another girl for some wings
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
