Apparently you make a good broom.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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