just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
