How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
