dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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