I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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