420 ftw
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
